"Devotion" is something I had been practicing for many years in the past, it had always been devoted to the gurus I was following. In the last spiritual group the practice of devotion was even expected to be 24/7, I was labelled one of the "greatest devotees" in the group that I literally could give up anything for devotion. However, when this devotion was manipulated and misused, it became my deepest trauma to my soul in this lifetime. In late 2017, my devotion was eventually used to go against me with a good few months of intensive emotional and some physical abuse. In my recovery process this "devotion" theme was fading away that eventually shut down for me.
3 years later, when this word "devotion" comes back to me again while doing the ascension work, I felt numb initially. It felt like a buried old wound that needed to be dug out again and I tried to avoid. Each time I tried to sit in the devotion to my Higher Self, I could feel the blocks, the Holy Heart doorway was there but I didn't want to get near and stopped. I knew eventually I needed to overcome myself in order to move on. One day, when I was having a shower, the massive feelings and memories of devotion started coming back vividly. I started to get emotional that in the past 10 years how many days and nights I had devoted to the wrong beings ~ after knowing Higher Self is our Creator, our spiritual parent, the true realization I have after walking this authentic ascension path.
At that moment I felt these beings took this devotion energies away from my Higher Self, which were meant for Him or Her. For a long period of time I considered Source / Void as the Creator and our connection and relationship with Higher Self is rarely mentioned in the spiritual teachings. I knew these devotion energies had been harvested by these beings, I started crying and there were lots of emotions releasing. Alas! Finally the real moment arrived for me to express my devotion to my One and only Creator ~ my Higher Self, feeling like an orphan is about to meet the parent for real after looking and searching for many years.
It took me about half-hour before I was able to settle and listen to a guided meditation recording that facilitate the process. (The recording was the catalyst after I did lots of deep clearings for connecting to my Higher Self.) My body was shaking and so much emotions came up. When the recording mentioned something like "you earn your right to enter the Holy Heart", I was very emotional. At that moment I took back all the devotions I gave to the "gurus" before, I kneeled down and offered them to my Higher Self and told my Higher Self, "I hope I have earned my right to be with you...". I couldn't stop crying and my body was shaking for awhile.
Then I felt my heart had a cooling sensation, I could feel it opening up, I could sense the golden light beaming out... then I heard "please come in my child, you are loved... the door is open for you, you can come in and be with me now... you have found your home". For a little while I could observe my heart was open and trying to figure out how to get in (at that time I was too emotional and forgot about the techniques), somehow I just tuned in and I was there. I couldn't describe the exact feelings as I was very emotional.
It took me almost a whole day to recover and process the releasing of the intense emotions and digest what had happened. Then I realized that releasing process was to break through the wall (trauma) between me and my Higher Self. After that, I found it becomes easier for me to enter the Holy Heart and it feels great to be in Oneness with my Higher Self. Another breaking through is about forgiveness, forgive myself and those people who I used to follow. Even some gurus claimed to be highly evolved beings and distracted me from the real path, after going through all these journeys, I'm thankful to them that they had offered a platform for me to practice devotion and surrender, which has now become easy for me to do so for my Higher Self.
When looking back, there is no really "right" or "wrong", anything "good" or "bad" (these are only our perceptions), they all served their purposes. They all played certain roles as teachers and helped me to learn my lessons, I'm grateful to have these experiences leading to where I am now. In the next post I'm going to share the vision I had when my Higher Self anchored in my Holy Heart.